Pen and Pencil

Pen,pencil,paper,perseverance.

I rite my feelings down trying to spill the beans.

The tea of my life washed away the courage and fills me with self doubt.

I can't seem to fill the emptiness trying to find love through a means to an end.

My addiction manifest in every area of my life.

Trying to grasp onto what little life I have my own personal lech called my ego fights to drain the life out of my body every chance it gets. 

It latches onto my soul.

I escape its sharp teeth by staying in the moment and practicing self love.

I must and will find my way back to the light and allow it to shine bright on the world.

Just for Today !

The Rose's surrounded me the smell of flowers and sunshine surround me !

I cant help but fill the breath of life inside me.

The consistency of the monster that once held me hostage tries to eat away at my happiness.

But this time it looses stuck in a moment that feels like forever each gulp I take allows me to live in the moment.

Just for today I can find gratitude in being alive.

Today is my day and I will live in love and honesty and move oceans with my drive and ambition.

Ego and pain will no longer cloud my judgment!

Thankful

Thankfulness 

Thankful for 

Cant seem to comprehend I beg for more 

I am lost in thoughts I cant control 

Sometimes I cant figure out 

I just dont know 

I'm grateful yes but I want so much more 

A boy so full of love he continues to crave it more than anything and everything 

But it seems hes cursed a lonley being 

I fill the emptiness with random sex 

There is or was no such thing as an ex 

He wonders why and tries to full this emptiness 

Its okay he will survive another day in the abyss kiss kiss kiss goodbye .

Lastly !

Lastly ,

Lastly I would like to tell you 

That you can follow your dreams !

No matter the struggles or the pain.

Theres a skeem for us all to win

We just have to get our hands on the schematics!

It's okay to feel doubt as long as you dont let the fear hold you back.

Lastly people will continue to project their fears onto you telling you 

You cannot make it 

Project your dreams onto then allow them to bathe in your light.

They will see the truth 

Lastly dont ever give up !

These are words I constantly have to tell myself as well 

Push through you got this !  

Lost

I feel as though the world has shattered rite before my eyes?

I'm glad I can still put one foot infront of the other but it seems as though there are bags of sand weighing down each step.

The wind whistles past and I can hear a thousand voices whispering demise in my ear.

I know all will be okay as the sun shines down on my cold dark world.

I miss my grandmother's voice and the memories of us sharing laughter as they start to fade away I grasp onto the little wisps trying to hold onto what little I have left.

But I know it will all be okay 

Help me god I ask as I fly among the winds and flow amongst the water I know I will be alright! 

Dear grandma

As the ocean rises and the sun sets
I will remember you blessed me with these high cheek bones and those funny jokes
They will stick with us all
As you stroked and caressed our hair with a love so tender no one else knows
I'll remember your strength as we ride the waves of life knowing your pain allowed us to strive
Your a blessing beyond what words can say
Dear grandma you saved me from myself everyday
A light in a world full of darkness
Those kind words and funny ways
My Indian blood runs deep to my bones literally was given your high cheek bones
As life comes and it goes know your words have been sewn into our souls
Your legacy shall live on forever a piece of you in every endeavor
No need to worry we got you grandma
I promise I will give my family those fancy hoorahs
As you watch from above and egg us all on
I promise struggle will not last much longer
Jungles full of life instilled in our souls
Will laugh and cry and tell your stories as we get old
Your a strength a light  a blessing all in one
From a first joint to yeah get it on
Your a dance a boogie well in ow so much pain still you decided to take on everyone else's pain
You are  phenomenal I just wanted you to know you saved a young boy from being on death row
So let's row your boat straight to heavens doors
I'll watch the waves and know its your roar
Forever grandma you'll live in our hearts
Remember you created lions not sharks
I love you grandma we all do for you in love and peace !

Be a man !

There is so much to learn !
So much to do with so little time.
Feeling wat overwelmed from time to time.
I cant help but think what a beautiful life.
As things fall into place I feel my time is coming to finally win this race.
Dreams are goals and goals are reality.
Turn the impossible into something I can fathom see!
I'm tired of living in the past it's time to trust in God's plan.
Lift me up I give you my hand.
Today I've turned from a boy too a man.
It's time too live and be a man.

Today

Today is my day to be the best me I can be.
Today is my day to spread love to others and not expect anything in return.
Today is my day to achieve all my goals and make my wildest dreams come true.
Today is my day to be authentic with myself.
Today is my day to be successful today,today,today is the day where my past no longer defines my future where instead of staying stuck I'm putting one foot in front of the other where achieving my dreams and loving unconditionally is apart of everyday life.
Today is my day !

Facing my fears

Dam! Gulping down a mouthful of fear as I close my eyes and introduce my fear to the world " Hi my name is Daniel and I'm an addict " fear faced! By a faceless man who now just faced a fear who finally has a voice. That wasn't so hard was it ? As many times as I am caressed my ego stroked as compliments fly above my head like the clouds I lay under. "But", "But" I have scars "I'm a failure " "My hair is receding", "I'll never be able to do that". All fears rite ? As a loving hand reassures a dead man that they cannot see the scares, that your hair Is just fine , and a failure yeah rite. Fear faced ! Inside the turmoil starts to disappear even for the briefest of moments. Alone all alone ow so alone I hurt as I stare at the empty walls, a long cord , and a lumpy couch, one lamp with no lamp shade all alone me and my feelings and abandonment as I stare in the vast emptiness I cant help but fear, fear the loneliness that dances around in my soul or the feeling of anger lingering in my mind knowing my mom abandoned me for a man but not knowing if shell return. Here they come , here we are as they knock on that hollow door full of bright smiles and hope, now not so alone. Fear faced!  I am reminded I have and will always have people in my life who care for me. Shackled bags hang under my eyes a not knowing feeling eating at my gut as an ice cold breeze keeps me awake my tiny wrist move about my frail 12 year old body as I'm lugged into a barren waist land called jail and stale faces called pain great me  I move sluggishly into my cell and wonder what's to come my eyes droop as my head hits something cold. Fear faced ! As I sit with murderers and convicts much older than me I'm met with help instead of harm first time in jail only 12 years old and I felt more at home than at home. A man staring down as I wince the sting from his huge hands escaped my cheek as a siren stands next to him whispering words of painful encouragement I stand up strong minded but ready to escape my to my escape a game box, Xbox, and a TV close the door and allow my mind too drift. Fear faced !
My father the only man I've feared beat me constantly and the only escape was my room full of gifts from a mother who does her best. Now let's bring it back, to a day a lonely day as I used my body and gave my soul to man who allowed me to escape my emptiness and encouraged me to be me. It was a post , a paragraph  a few I knew its and goodbyes ! Fear faced 19 years of age a young Latino mixed gay thug confused at the fact that I lost it all friends and family both but gained myself within me struck a bolt of life and a knowing that I've face many fears before and I will face many more !

Although

Although it feels as though I want to give up
I keep pushing no matter what
Although life seems hard as fuck
I know I got this I'm a boss
Although it seems the world is crumbling before my eyes
Through all the pain I will continue to strive
Life has a funny way of revealing itself
Although I'm ow so full of doubts
I know blessings are soon to come
As long I dont succumb to my fear and pride
We got this !

Greif and Hope

I see my grief in the faces of others as I see my cousin and realize it's not him and he's no longer here. I feel my grief when the emptiness takes control and I reminisce about all the friends and all the habits as the tape replays over and over of my moms painful to look at sunken cheeks. My dads fist remind me of a hell I never want to go back to and as I travel through a city that holds the shadows of my past I cant help but feel the emptiness that pain. Grief is standing in the projects staring around at the ghost that once were friends the pale colored building with the bold numbers once called home as it stands alone in my heart of hearts. Grief is staring at the post that scroll by as my fingers move and wondering why there was so much loss in my life. It's a DM from an old friend stuck in the grips of a demon I used to dance with, it's the memories that float by as I hear the tune of an old song that my friends would Bob there different colored hats to in an old bucket called a car, it's the scars embedded in my face reminding me of the pieces of metal that once held there place. Greif for me is all the painful images that remind me of why I changed. But here I am drenched in tears hysterically laughing at the fact that I'm here and I'm alive after all the stab wounds ,over doses ,beatings, and bullets here I am no longer feeling the guilt of surviving, no longer spending weeks comatose in a bed of guilt I'm here 5years later than an expiration date I gave myself no longer drowning in the sadness of being here. I see a light as family and friends filled a once empty and lonely place and addiction is the one common thing that caused even the people that lift me up sorrow as well . I was always trying to become a better person not knowing I was that person already because the guilt of not loving myself ate me alive. I no longer have to try because I do. The once empty place is filled and the one thing that got me through was the hope of being born anew shedding the fears of a painful past and a lack of acceptance for myself a Phoenix is what I call myself.

Gratitude !

I was tired of being sick and tired I guess that's how that saying goes? But really for so long I was living in darkness a never ending void of terror and pain and hatred not hatred for the people that locked me in a cage or the parents that fed me lies and beatings but for the person that harmed me the most "myself". I was tired of feeding myself those same lies that every dam person tried to force down my throat to my very soul but here I was gagging up vulgar comments and attitude. As I self sabotaged the few lights that dimmed the darkness in my soul said I was worth so much more. I was tired of amputating the very love I conjured even though I clang onto it until the very last piece was severed from my existence and the very people I loved were contemplating my existence well I sat drenched in tears wondering why and being sick and tired of being sick and tired. As each stitch freshly woven into the flesh of my heart was plucked free by my very own hands another was made by the people who sought the true me and saw past the very darkness inside my soul that usually ate anyone alive including myself. Thus finally the once rooted pain, the once rooted anguish, and self hatred started to lift and those same people who saw hope who saw a person instead of a monster were planted with every O.D ,coma, stab wood ,or beating I started to see true hope and inspiration in this all too commonly told street story of mine. I had breath in my body and with just that  a universe called gratitude imploded within me  and the very  essence of being alive was something to be grateful for all in itself along with freedom not only of my body and my mind but of my very once shattered soul in which the duck tape of forgiveness and acceptance sealed the pieces back together each day I remind myself that I was saved time and time again from myself and the world and that for me is what gratitude is. Having the ability to understand that we were chosen to live amongst untold numbers of others our very life is the light that once gave me hope and helped me find gratitude when I was on death row of my own free will.

What place are you in today!

I'm in a place a dark yet vibrant place one where my past is colliding with the present where I'm finding forgiveness and acceptance I'm lost but finding my way so much yet so little is going on its funny I've spent more years in than out but it doesn't seem wrong I'm coming to terms with who I am and what I did wrong my life is so full and I feel so strong but frail and weak and barley hanging on but my time is now the streets the hood the gang the past cant claim me now I'm mofucking proud to be who I am now I went from a abandoned houses and stolen electricity to paying my own bills now although I'm lost I feel more found now ready to take on the world because it's my playground now !

Thankyou

Sometimes we have to be thankful, thankful for our freedom the air we breath the chance we have anew everyday we wake up from our slumber sometimes we have to be thankful for the pain and sadness we experience that make us stronger as well as the happiness and joy it all goes hand in hand life is amazing be thankful for it

Sometimes theres bad sometimes theres good

Love life you only live once something I've learned over time trust me I know it can be really difficult at times we get caught up in the problems of the now and of the future but pushing through isn't worth it because there's always something good to be found in every moment just look for it the freedom of choice is always yours be grateful for that if nothing else.

Keep pushing

Sometimes life feels as though hell is on earth but these are the times we have to sit, sit and think and be grateful that we are alive that we are free that we have breath in our body remember that life is a blessing itself and sometimes we have to understand that as long as we live we have time to do something else !

Do you ever

Do you ever think that sometimes you cant achieve the things you set out to achieve
Do you ever question your ability your drive your ambitions ,dreams, goals
Do you ever wonder if what you think is rite or wrong constantly questioning where you are in life
Sometimes I wonder this I tell myself I'm not worth it I cant keep moving forward I'm tired I'm getting old these are just thoughts they shouldn't control you your worth every thing you've ever wanted and more
I never thought I'd live past 18 and here I am 23 and pursuing my dreams having opportunities most dream of let's do this together let's not do the do you ever let's do the I will never stops.

Dont hold me back now !

I've asked I've prayed I've begged to not be looked at as a number, a monster, a convict ,an outcast but in this case my mistakes define my ambition people constantly create judgments based on my unfinished tattoos or the mistakes of my past. Will wealth will status or tattoo less skin make me any better of a person will my criminal past make a crime filled future. I've always asked myself these same questions because I knew nothing else but the words thrown at me from others. But then there's those few the few that saw hope where I saw hopelessness and thus the seeds of true hope of seeing past someone's past and being able to see a bright future for someone who's life expectancy was 18 years of age where planted then I too was able to see hope within myself for a brighter future sometimes all it takes is this for a lot of us lost souls just hope just faith just seeing past the tattoos and the numbers we are human we bleed we cry we feel. Why does a 12 year old young man have to believe he is nothing more than worthless because his circumstances demanded such. I was never taught to Express my emotions I never was handed a conversation when i was in pain i was handed beatings and bongs so why, why cant we be that light and plant those seeds of encouragement instead of trying to segregate and punish it's time we lift each other up and put all Byes aside we need each other and sometimes all we need is a smile to show someone there worth everything they have ever wanted and more that's it just smile not a number not a judgment just a simple gesture that makes a monster into a person

Whyyyyy???

Sometimes you just wonder, wonder why, wonder where, wonder when your life took a  turn and now you sit here wondering where all your friends and family where your life went. I sit here and wonder that as I watch TV alone or walk to the store alone why I guess it's a question I've always asked myself, why I'm not sure there will ever be an answer to the why I feel there will always be a why in my life because the answers and the causes are infinite. I think what allowed me to be okay with the why of life is knowing there's millions of others searching for answers to the same question in it ever changing form and meaning. Point is your not alone we are not alone sometimes we are just with ourselves.

Childhood dreams +

Childhood dreams so pure a world without hate or fear a childhood dream so pure society's definition and cure I hope one day me and my people wont be criticized for being gay a world were we lift each other up instead of providing each other pain it's okay they say its okay but why cant we be different instead of the same I'm told I have to be and look a certain way but to me that's not okay I'm constantly evolving and changing rearranging my brain taught to live a certain way my life is suppose to follow a chain I'm tired of being shackled it's time to break free society's definition just doesn't fit me 4 walls weren't meant for human beings just let me be me you'll see it's okay to learn grow and walk your own walk child dreams so pure and hate free I'm ready to see life the other side of things the finer things not talking about diamonds and rings I'm talking about good memories the kind you look back on and smile while you think, everyone has a dream craves the finer things it's time to exist and not just be, open your mind I'm sure you'll find that life holds what was once unseen so please stop being blind live with an open mind it's time let your childhood dreams come alive