Let me love you in ways I couldn't even love myself.
Let me give you reassurance when your heads filled with self doubt.
Yeah im sorry I've been smoking this loud im still too proud to admit that I want you. Let me love you in ways I couldn't envision loving myself.
I swear this world needs to figure it out.
Young gay and brown still trying to figure it all out.
Lost in this world who chooses to not love themselves.
Fuck hold up let me figure this out.
See I want you to let me love you but that also means I need to love myself.
Still holding onto passed shit I swear my inner demons won't let me breath.( take a breath).
Baby boy what's next. I swear it feels like I got you at my worst. Your always at your best.
Get the check. Make love through sex. I sit their and play with the hairs on your chest. You outline my tattoos. And ask what's next. So lost in love. Please let me love you like a thug. I promise I'll never give up but can I expect the same. I guess expectations change revamp my brain emotional they say I'm insane. Change some thangs. Rearrange the way I treat myself I'm asking you to let me love you but I really need to love myself. Society got my head filled with insecurities and doubts smoke to deal with the pain. Baby won't just hear me out. I want tp give you diamonds and memories. Let me love you the way you love your things. Breathe all eyes on me. Friendly and loving I guess it's time for me to love me. Take off my diamond ring slowly our love fades can't you see I wanted you to let me love you but I guess you didn't love me the same. Fuck it just let me breath im sure I'll figure it out I see. That in order to let me love you i have to love myself. Take a beat. See this emotions I own it can't control shit guess I have to stay focused this shit seems so hopeless. Got too high didn't even noticed. Fuckkkk how can I stay focused when I'm one of those hopeless romantics. I feel like my tapes jamming. All my favorite places hold the memories of our past and I'm like an addict revisit them but it seems like I can't have it I mean the real thing at least just distant memories I wanted you to see let me love you please....... see I told you and I even told myself that in order to let me love you I need to love myself.. Hold up baby please just hear me out I know I'm high you are too we've been smoking loud but I don't want to loose you because I'm to proud I also got tp say this I don't want to loose myself. I want you to let me love you lets figure this out I means we are kings and things but I feel like sometimes you can't see that you are great with or without me and I mean I guess the same goes for me. Let me figure this out let me learn how to love myself and maybe I can show you what loves all about
Saturday, May 28, 2022
Friday, May 20, 2022
Pandemic blues
Man I got these pandemic blues don't know what to do I feel like the world feels the same way too. Tapped into pieces of myself I didn't know existed like dam boy your gifted I shifted as the whole world shifted you dig it. I had to dig in decided I'm taking this pandemic and winning.
Music and dance became a new romance because I tried it with a man but they all just made me hurt more.
Slowly embraced all sides of myself had time to figure shit out not caught up in the everyday hassle.
Things slowed down I moved faster and I'm still moving no. Well everyone settled down collected an unemployment check I did my best to be my best. Always asked what's next. Work, dance, music repeat it helped me get through some things and honestly helped with my sanity. Baby your a king you've done so slow down please. Now gotta keep going see this pandemic was a daily for people like me so it really didn't change a thing.
Music and dance became a new romance because I tried it with a man but they all just made me hurt more.
Slowly embraced all sides of myself had time to figure shit out not caught up in the everyday hassle.
Things slowed down I moved faster and I'm still moving no. Well everyone settled down collected an unemployment check I did my best to be my best. Always asked what's next. Work, dance, music repeat it helped me get through some things and honestly helped with my sanity. Baby your a king you've done so slow down please. Now gotta keep going see this pandemic was a daily for people like me so it really didn't change a thing.
Saturday, May 14, 2022
A letter to myself from little sisters perspective
Dear Daniel,
Things have been hard here without you I miss my big brother walking me to school and protecting me from all the weirdos now that your not here mom has been acting funny she cries all the time she always says dam where did I go wrong how did my son end up in jail. I know you didn't do what they say you did. It makes me sad knowing your going to miss Christmas and my birthday this year. Ow and guess what I got an A on my first quiz in middle school. You know trin is still acting crazy she says she wants to be like you. Everyone tells me all the time that she is going to end up in jail. I don't like listening to that. I know your a good person I'm tired of everyone telling me your bad. I hope you get out in time for the brother and sister dance I really want you to go with me. You've already missed it last year. Daniel promise me when you get out will spend time. I'm tired of missing you then you going to jail I hardly see you and when you call you only call to talk to mom. I love you brother please do good so you can come home soon. Love your sister.
Hey Alyssa I know it's hard to be out there without me but I will be home soon don't worry things are crazy in here I really hope trin or you don't end up here ever. Things are the same but I'm doing good I work in the kitchen now so I'm learning how to cook some good food. I'm up here in the forest so I always see little creatures. I miss you to and I'm sorry I couldn't be there to protect you u promise I won't ever leave again once I get out places like this aren't okay to be in and I'm realizing that now I love you Alyssa tell mom and trin I love her too
Things have been hard here without you I miss my big brother walking me to school and protecting me from all the weirdos now that your not here mom has been acting funny she cries all the time she always says dam where did I go wrong how did my son end up in jail. I know you didn't do what they say you did. It makes me sad knowing your going to miss Christmas and my birthday this year. Ow and guess what I got an A on my first quiz in middle school. You know trin is still acting crazy she says she wants to be like you. Everyone tells me all the time that she is going to end up in jail. I don't like listening to that. I know your a good person I'm tired of everyone telling me your bad. I hope you get out in time for the brother and sister dance I really want you to go with me. You've already missed it last year. Daniel promise me when you get out will spend time. I'm tired of missing you then you going to jail I hardly see you and when you call you only call to talk to mom. I love you brother please do good so you can come home soon. Love your sister.
Hey Alyssa I know it's hard to be out there without me but I will be home soon don't worry things are crazy in here I really hope trin or you don't end up here ever. Things are the same but I'm doing good I work in the kitchen now so I'm learning how to cook some good food. I'm up here in the forest so I always see little creatures. I miss you to and I'm sorry I couldn't be there to protect you u promise I won't ever leave again once I get out places like this aren't okay to be in and I'm realizing that now I love you Alyssa tell mom and trin I love her too
Saturday, May 7, 2022
What it means to have power
swear the podium they sit on got me uneasy. Now I'm standing on top can you see me. Dry heaving and uneasy barley understand what it means to be breathing. Still figuring out how to get them to see me
False hope supersedes things. Some privilege I can't seem to see things. Lost in thought about ready to pop off but I gotta stop and say this shit in a professional manner. Etiquette when they oppress loom up to but is that our best. I'm here to get my check at best got the job that box is checked. I stare at you but can't seem to understand. Still being taught that being gay makes you less of a man. My skin tone is light so I guess I have some sort of advantage. Until I speak up uncover myself and show them I'm damaged. Go ham it's wait stop for a moment and revaluate why do I gotta sit by and play their game they are privileged and me not so much. I eat up their oppression for lunch. No whole foods or fresh fruit near me. I can't eat healthy or talk to loud they might hear me. I can't be to passionate my voice might be to loud people will feel attacked well I only want them to hear me out. I see my privilege to me it doesn't stand out im more focused on making things equal now. Have a cow to proud stuck in our egos. I try to explain but it's like I'm see through fuck it I don't even really need you. Gays all just wana breed you I just wana breach through. Show people we are all just human beings. Not everyone sees things the way you see. Let's just be ?
False hope supersedes things. Some privilege I can't seem to see things. Lost in thought about ready to pop off but I gotta stop and say this shit in a professional manner. Etiquette when they oppress loom up to but is that our best. I'm here to get my check at best got the job that box is checked. I stare at you but can't seem to understand. Still being taught that being gay makes you less of a man. My skin tone is light so I guess I have some sort of advantage. Until I speak up uncover myself and show them I'm damaged. Go ham it's wait stop for a moment and revaluate why do I gotta sit by and play their game they are privileged and me not so much. I eat up their oppression for lunch. No whole foods or fresh fruit near me. I can't eat healthy or talk to loud they might hear me. I can't be to passionate my voice might be to loud people will feel attacked well I only want them to hear me out. I see my privilege to me it doesn't stand out im more focused on making things equal now. Have a cow to proud stuck in our egos. I try to explain but it's like I'm see through fuck it I don't even really need you. Gays all just wana breed you I just wana breach through. Show people we are all just human beings. Not everyone sees things the way you see. Let's just be ?
Wednesday, May 4, 2022
Mental Download
Beep, beep, beep, Dam this download is taking longer than expected.
I mean you would have thought I've already learned these lessons.
I've always said talk is cheap but when it comes to my self love it's like ordering a 99 cent hamburger on repeat.
Stuck in a space where I can't seem to move.
One step, one thought, that's all it takes. I know I'll never give up and I'll make it somewhere along the way.
I started to realize I was designed to win.
Directed the ideology that I was a sin dig deep and pulled apart the feelings within. Realized that just because I was gay doesn't mean I'm any less connected to God. Had to pull the band aid off and really get raw. Give in to my old tendencies he'll naw. A little to honest like I'm giving it to them without the condom on. Consistently abused by the person looking in the mirror. I was so scared the world wouldn't except me for being queer. I keep hurting myself and pretend like I don't care. I swear I left the hood behind but theseOld school memories are seared in my mind. Built some barriers just to break them down again. Really had to educate myself on what it is to be a man. Constantly scared always facing those fears. I know I'm close man I'm almost there. The worlds so stuck in there pain and fears. It's funny how people Stull don't accept us queers. Mirrors mirrors mirrors they say look at yourself but I really think sometimes it takes others to point your bullshit out. Beep beep beep im done now im out.
I mean you would have thought I've already learned these lessons.
I've always said talk is cheap but when it comes to my self love it's like ordering a 99 cent hamburger on repeat.
Stuck in a space where I can't seem to move.
One step, one thought, that's all it takes. I know I'll never give up and I'll make it somewhere along the way.
I started to realize I was designed to win.
Directed the ideology that I was a sin dig deep and pulled apart the feelings within. Realized that just because I was gay doesn't mean I'm any less connected to God. Had to pull the band aid off and really get raw. Give in to my old tendencies he'll naw. A little to honest like I'm giving it to them without the condom on. Consistently abused by the person looking in the mirror. I was so scared the world wouldn't except me for being queer. I keep hurting myself and pretend like I don't care. I swear I left the hood behind but theseOld school memories are seared in my mind. Built some barriers just to break them down again. Really had to educate myself on what it is to be a man. Constantly scared always facing those fears. I know I'm close man I'm almost there. The worlds so stuck in there pain and fears. It's funny how people Stull don't accept us queers. Mirrors mirrors mirrors they say look at yourself but I really think sometimes it takes others to point your bullshit out. Beep beep beep im done now im out.
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