Thanksgiving at Mom's

Thanksgiving, Holidays, Family all crazy words in my opinion.

But within that crazy is a love unmatched a loyalty unheard and a pain so deep one may never get the opportunity to heal. Life is full of winding roads and gusts of confusion that always seem to blow at the wrong time. Holidays at some point were a light untouched.

It was a ceremony to celebrate.

Rooms filled with smiling faces and smells of home-cooked dishes.

It's a bliss that I miss honestly.

I dont know how things came to be the way they are. It went from that to my family can't even sit together and eat.

All of us angry and can't see.

I wish for a day again were we can all be at peace.

Sometimes I'm scared it will never be the same. I guess the scares just run to deep.

Holidays were sacred but now I leave broken and shaken. Asking God to please change this but it's an internal struggle that needs to change its all over the place I guess. I pray one day we can all sit together in peace instead of puffing out our chest but I guess for now this is what I get. But I can't help but dream and reminise see I like to see the best in life even when I struggle and fight. I sometimes live in the moment actually most times. I lived for too long in a miserable world stuck in time. But this time I can see the brighter times I choose to see the joy in life even when it hurts why change who I am because others see love as obsurd. Grateful to see the light this time even if others are blind. Grateful for the the happy and the painful times.

Open

I'm scared yeah
My bodies in pain
Some things have changed maybe rearranged.
But for some reason I can see clearly now.
Not really having a cow study and sit down.
See im breathing so I guess I need this im tired of the same shit.
I want something different something better.
Because life's a gift.
Shift the way I think or thought.
Remain open to what is and not.
See I know how to pop just not in the rite way or spots.
It's time to love on me and remain open to life and it's possibilities

Well being

Well being please help me see clearly. Pain in my body got me going about things fearfully. But this system wasn't designed to take care of a person like me. We say no new freinds but we need community clearly. Please please don't hurt me obsurdly I'm from the hood but im scared to be treated wrong when I should be treated good. Can you understand my triggers can you show me a better path. Yall talk about rising gas prices but im the one that needs gas tired and delirious. Doctors feeding me medication. I went from a high vibration to fuck I can't take this. MY PEOPLE need something different we want more for ourselves we need the tools and none of those doubts. We'll being to me means that eating isn't a luxury.

Lost with a capital L

Lost but not the kinda lost you might know lost like I know but I really don't. I put the capital L on purpose it stands for Loosing but loosing focus more describes that. See its weird I know the facts I know what I need to do but I still hold myself back. LOST its lame a never ending journey I create I never really sat down and thought of the question why does there have to be a destination until well just now. I'm Lost but the only person I should be searching for is myself such a big statement an adventure one who has actually went on the journey can talk about. See im on that journey now but I wonder to myself if I'll make it out. Lost with a capital L means losing. But losing like losing my way or losing focus. I'm losing myself even though I haven't found myself yet kind of contradicts eachother rite. See I wana Live with a capital L but i seem to have lost the happiness I once had. Itsbl crazy I seem emotional or mad but it's just the thoughts that drag. Lost with a capital L. Last question heaven or hell? 

Let Me

Let me be.
Let me not loose sight I wana see me.
Not the definition society gave me.
Let me be.
The person I'm ment to be.
Don't feed me your bullshits and try and feel my mind with insecurities.
Please hold me close community this life is no joke.
Let me be the king im ment to be I know im resilient and can get through anything
Cops let me breath clearly you can't see that a demon created you to control society .
Let me be.
Let me see
Society just let me be me

Somewhere along the way

Somewhere along the way I feel as though I lost faith.

Somewhere along the way I forgot that every peice of me is enough no its more than enough.

Somewhere along the way I gave more of myself to the world then I gave to me.

I slowly ease my way back into reality Somewhere along the way.

Somewhere along the way I lost track of the pain didn't realize I was drained of my happiness.

Somewhere along the way I became the pain even though that was never the aim but yeah I changed.

 Somewhere along the way I found myself but still constantly have to fight through worries and doubts.

I guess Somewhere along the way will be another story for another day.

Hey Sexy

Hey sexy seems to be the words us gays Interacte with eachother with like it's not about love but more about dick. Its that slick I wana get my pussy pounded shit but I crave love not dick when I say your sexy I mean it's your personality and shit. See I wana get rich but my life doesn't revolve around physical shit. I crave a spiritual release that only the spirit can give. But you wana get between these cheeks and savor my lips. Hey sexy really means can I hit. I mean I like sex but im tired of them talking shit. Take a hint. Maybe this was a hit or miss. Hey sexy has alot of false intentions some might miss. Thinking alot maybe a little to much pretending like u dig this shit. Reality is I want more than this. I want more than a hey sexy I want more than someone just wanting my body. Hey sexy makes me feel naughty I mean theirs nothing wrong with that but I want more I wana feel those butterflies again I wana soar.. your body is nice but I want more.

As I sit here

As I sit here and wonder about the future.
I can't help but live in the moment..
Like I can own this. Don't have to control this. I mean things happen for a reason rite.
I'm not quite struggling in life but I'm barley reaching the brim scrapping the top and what not.
Metaphorically speaking I can't see past what's rite Infront of me But lately I've been envisioning some things I couldn't normally see.
See but this is me everything I do and everything in between my life shines bright.
Can't seem to see past the my past but baby this moment is everything fuck what people say.

Lost yet found

Lost yet found.
Not white not brown.
Loosing myself over time.
Yet finding myself now.
Turn and turn around.
I never do bow down to a system created to break me down.
Trying to find my way now.
Society please hear me out.
Beaten laid out. Still in the hood but out the hood now.
Don't need ti gang bang to get my point across. A little to emotional a little to soft.
At least that's what they say.
But I'm not into games.
The loop of life really got me in a daze.
Lost yet found. Not white not brown. I'm just me so let me be for now

Lonely

So lonely.
Can't really open up So nobody know me
Society got straight men So controlling. Even my people think I owe them. Confused about the outcome of my relationships. I do it all just to take their hits. I guess this shits a hit or miss I mean we all be dealing with shit.
So Lonely can't really open up so nobody know me. Society got straight men So controlling
Yall don't own me. I was set up to be lonely. I struggle with my inner demons on a daily. Start seeing shit maybe act out remain lonely.
Crazy part about it all is they don't own me they don't really know me they just base their perception of me off an old homie so controlling. Suck the good out of me like an omen. Felt like giving up but then I looked in the mirror and thought I owe him. A good life one where we are living rite no need to fist fit not even lip fight. Put the shit in ice be nice. Live life. See shit gets lonely but at the same time it allows me to get to know me once you love yourself you aren't so lonely. I laugh as they try and control me. Only person I owe is me. Take a daily step back and say fuck the beef. To me talk isn't cheap you can ruin life's and create misery or you can say one word and give some one the courage to truly be
Themselves without a doubt so fuck lonely especially if they don't want tp get to know me they just don't act rite cuz they got their own insecurities but don't trip I see you not all the stupid things.
People like to say. Bow my head and pray that one day I can love myself enough to attract who I need and not who I want.

let me love you please!

Let me love you in ways I couldn't even love myself.
Let me give you reassurance when your heads filled with self doubt.
Yeah im sorry I've been smoking this loud im still too proud to admit that I want you. Let me love you in ways I couldn't envision loving myself.
I swear this world needs to figure it out.
Young gay and brown still trying to figure it all out.
Lost in this world who chooses to not love themselves.
Fuck hold up let me figure this out.
See I want you to let me love you but that also means I need to love myself.
Still holding onto passed shit I swear my inner demons won't let me breath.( take a breath).
Baby boy what's next. I swear it feels like I got you at my worst. Your always at your best.
Get the check. Make love through sex. I sit their and play with the hairs on your chest. You outline my tattoos. And ask what's next. So lost in love. Please let me love you like a thug. I promise I'll never give up but can I expect the same. I guess expectations change revamp my brain emotional they say I'm insane. Change some thangs. Rearrange the way I treat myself I'm asking you to let me love you but I really need to love myself. Society got my head filled with insecurities and doubts smoke to deal with the pain. Baby won't just hear me out. I want tp give you diamonds and memories. Let me love you the way you love your things. Breathe all eyes on me. Friendly and loving I guess it's time for me to love me. Take off my diamond ring slowly our love fades can't you see I wanted you to let me love you but I guess you didn't love me the same. Fuck it just let me breath im sure I'll figure it out I see. That in order to let me love you i have to love myself. Take a beat. See this emotions I own it can't control shit guess I have to stay focused this shit seems so hopeless. Got too high didn't even noticed. Fuckkkk how can I stay focused when I'm one of those hopeless romantics. I feel like my tapes jamming. All my favorite places hold the memories of our past and I'm like an addict revisit them but it seems like I can't have it I mean the real thing at least just distant memories I wanted you to see let me love you please....... see I told you and I even told myself that in order to let me love you I need to love myself.. Hold up baby please just hear me out I know I'm high you are too we've been smoking loud but I don't want to loose you because I'm to proud I also got tp say this I don't want to loose myself. I want you to let me love you lets figure this out I means we are kings and things but I feel like sometimes you can't see that you are great with or without me and I mean I guess the same goes for me. Let me figure this out let me learn how to love myself and maybe I can show you what loves all about

Pandemic blues

Man I got these pandemic blues don't know what to do I feel like the world feels the same way too. Tapped into pieces of myself I didn't know existed like dam boy your gifted I shifted as the whole world shifted you dig it. I had to dig in decided I'm taking this pandemic and winning.
Music and dance became a new romance because I tried it with a man but they all just made me hurt more.
Slowly embraced all sides of myself had time to figure shit out not caught up in the everyday hassle.
Things slowed down I moved faster and I'm still moving no. Well everyone settled down collected an unemployment check I did my best to be my best. Always asked what's next. Work, dance, music repeat it helped me get through some things and honestly helped with my sanity. Baby your a king you've done so slow down please. Now gotta keep going see this pandemic was a daily for people like me so it really didn't change a thing.

A letter to myself from little sisters perspective

Dear Daniel,
Things have been hard here without you I miss my big brother walking me to school and protecting me from all the weirdos now that your not here mom has been acting funny she cries all the time she always says dam where did I go wrong how did my son end up in jail. I know you didn't do what they say you did. It makes me sad knowing your going to miss Christmas and my birthday this year. Ow and guess what I got an A on my first quiz in middle school. You know trin is still acting crazy she says she wants to be like you. Everyone tells me all the time that she is going to end up in jail. I don't like listening to that. I know your a good person I'm tired of everyone telling me your bad. I hope you get out in time for the brother and sister dance I really want you to go with me. You've already missed it last year. Daniel promise me when you get out will spend time. I'm tired of missing you then you going to jail I hardly see you and when you call you only call to talk to mom. I love you brother please do good so you can come home soon. Love your sister.
Hey Alyssa I know it's hard to be out there without me but I will be home soon don't worry things are crazy in here I really hope trin or you don't end up here ever. Things are the same but I'm doing good I work in the kitchen now so I'm learning how to cook some good food. I'm up here in the forest so I always see little creatures. I miss you to and I'm sorry I couldn't be there to protect you u promise I won't ever leave again once I get out places like this aren't okay to be in and I'm realizing that now I love you Alyssa tell mom and trin I love her too 

What it means to have power

swear the podium they sit on got me uneasy. Now I'm standing on top can you see me. Dry heaving and uneasy barley understand what it means to be breathing. Still figuring out how to get them to see me
False hope supersedes things. Some privilege I can't seem to see things. Lost in thought about ready to pop off but I gotta stop and say this shit in a professional manner. Etiquette when they oppress loom up to but is that our best. I'm here to get my check at best got the job that box is checked. I stare at you but can't seem to understand. Still being taught that being gay makes you less of a man. My skin tone is light so I guess I have some sort of advantage. Until I speak up uncover myself and show them I'm damaged. Go ham it's wait stop for a moment and revaluate why do I gotta sit by and play their game they are privileged and me not so much. I eat up their oppression for lunch. No whole foods or fresh fruit near me. I can't eat healthy or talk to loud they might hear me. I can't be to passionate my voice might be to loud people will feel attacked well I only want them to hear me out. I see my privilege to me it doesn't stand out im more focused on making things equal now. Have a cow to proud stuck in our egos. I try to explain but it's like I'm see through fuck it I don't even really need you. Gays all just wana breed you I just wana breach through. Show people we are all just human beings. Not everyone sees things the way you see. Let's just be ?

Mental Download

Beep, beep, beep, Dam this download is taking longer than expected.
I mean you would have thought I've already learned these lessons.
I've always said talk is cheap  but when it comes to my self love it's like ordering a 99 cent hamburger on repeat.
Stuck in a space where I can't seem to move.
One step, one thought, that's all it takes. I know I'll never give up and I'll make it somewhere along the way.
I started to realize I was designed to win.
Directed the ideology that I was a sin dig deep and pulled apart the feelings within. Realized that just because I was gay doesn't mean I'm any less connected to God. Had to pull the band aid off and really get raw. Give in to my old tendencies he'll naw. A little to honest like I'm giving it to them without the condom on. Consistently abused by the person looking in the mirror. I was so scared the world wouldn't except me for being queer. I keep hurting myself and pretend like I don't care. I swear I left the hood behind but theseOld school memories are seared in my mind. Built some barriers just to break them down again. Really had to educate myself on what it is to be a man. Constantly scared always facing those fears. I know I'm close man I'm almost there. The worlds so stuck in there pain and fears. It's funny how people Stull don't accept us queers. Mirrors mirrors mirrors they say look at yourself but I really think sometimes it takes others to point your bullshit out. Beep beep beep im done now im out.

It takes work

They say it takes work to get better.
Each day is another blessing to change but why is it hard not to make the same mistakes.
Its like my brain is wired to do the same but fuck I wana change.
I always say you need the tools in order to be successful but what excuse do you have when you get them
Stagnant and stuck on repeat. I can't seem to follow my own advice sometimes yet I say talk is cheap. Keep it pushing keep going forward and all that jazz.
But when I look inside I find that's not exactly who I am. I make mistakes and learn and grow but I stuck to learning how to love myself and built a new code the old shit got old I was tired of not being in control I'm way to good not to be good rite. But ima let you know this shit is a fight at times you wana give up and just don't feel rite but to me at least the way I see things it's all preparing you for greater things

loosing myself the poem

This life I live is full of winding roads.
I've lost myself been on the go.
I try and hold on don't wana loose control.
Loosing myself ever so slow.
This shit hits deep im searching for diamonds but I really gotta dig deep.
I really really been in zone trying to claim this throne but I feel so alone I don't wana loose myself I don't wana loose  control.
Holding on feel so wrong do ever fill this lonely. God fill me hope please I don't loose my way.
I feel myself loosing control a little bit each day. My minds just on some different waves I just don't think the same. I know things change but im feeling like I'm loosing myself . God please help me through because I don't wana loose my way. No I won't loose myself today.
No not today. I'm not trying to escape so many people trying to chase a euphoria they'll never get again. I keep going I go ham. So lost in thought so lost in my head insecurities want me dead chasing a different kind of perspective I'm so tired of loosing so tired of not doing it because of these doubts. Man fuck I wana scream out loud just rite now. I'm done with loosing myself.

dear mama #2

It's been awhile since I wrote you a poem.
It's crazy mom how the world shapes us in certain cases hurts us maybe even makes us bitter. Yeah maybe somewhere deep down I can't forgive you or myself for that matter.
Every time I come though it's like I serve my heart on a platter. I swear you missing that light you held onto for so long. I'm sorry I can't stay to long it hurts to see you hurt honestly. I know you never deserved any of this misery. For me the best thing I could do is just stay away because to be honest I don't wana add to your pain what a shame rite. I still struggle but I fight see you think all the poems I write about you are always bad but crazy thing I always say how you gave me my heart and honestly that's the only thing that holds me together when i fall apart. I have hope though I just don't wana miss seeing you get old though. Your a state away and sometimes I can't fill the space it hurts still to know you left me and moved away but I still push forward I know we are all human. Your a people pleaser trying to be cupid I'm sorry if I think it's stupid see I'm a tuff cookie mom I say it raw I don't sugar coat shit for no one including myself I'm tired of people using you and I really wana make you proud it's hard though. To let you in means that if you hurt me again I might give in see I'm still healing from my trauma but it doesn't mean I love you any less mama 

I didnt ask

I didnt ask to be this person .
To feel the things I do .
This journey is a lonely one.
You might feel the same way too.
I'm trapped but this time I know exactly what to do.
People say it all the time just be who.
But who.
Who the fuck am is a question I constantly ask myself.
Living in a world where they fill me with self doubts.
More worried about what they might think.
Instead of not giving a fuck because it makes me happy the soft tune of my inner demons play on repeat as the petals of my heart fall softly.
WHO IS ME.
NO NO NO WHO AM I ?
I'm an unspoken poetry piece lost in time. I'm unfinished art peace. I'm half aged bottle of wine. I'm someone whom imprints himself into your mind I'm a love and a hate relationship all at the same time. I'm universe unseen I'm a guy half blind. As the flower blooms and I find myself I fill so lost in time. The ocean sets as the sun slowly rises.
Ive disguised myself and dressed myself up to fit society. But people do it all the time. That's why that question who are you it's one where I find the answers hard to find. I'm many things all at once like I said a universe untouched and unseen im a universe of many things.

Long walks on the beach

I often come here to escape.
Walking forward without the chase the sand between my feet as my dogs run around me.
I come here here mostly to meditate.
You helped get me out of my head today.
I often stand and stare at the waves knowing your something I can't control and that changes the way I look at things. Each push and pull each crash into the earth I can feel your energy ow so pure. Connected to you in a deeper way you often times take away my pain. I've been here countless times over the years my feelings changed over the years you hold my memories and take away my friends your energy is so fucking pure. I remember days way back when. You stood by my side when I didn't know who I was or who I am. I've come to you to cry and laugh I sometimes walk into the crash. I've loved so deep then mourned that love. I was in your waves when I was a thug. I've learned to love myself I've shared birthday and I've shared doubts. When I first felt your cold embrace I floated along your strong embrace no fears in the world I was strong beyond measure I feel like I let fear take me wherever it wanted to. But I've always come back to you thank you beach for doubt what you do. One of the world's gifts to us the Beaty of God

Bodily Urges

Bodily urges
Can't bottle these urges
Used like a peace of meat do I really deserve this
Maybe deep down I feel worth less
Trying to feel this empty abyss
Work everyday on this self love shit
Throw it down the drain for some raw dick
Can't seem to find myself hold up this will take a minute
My bodily urges got my body hurting.
This uncomfortable feelings isn't worth it.
But dam these urges..
They overwhelm my thought process got me doing things I normally would not and it's all just apart of life rite.
Why do my bodily urges got me hurting my body instead of treating it rite I fight these urges yeah I deserve to be worth it we all deserve it. This some upserd shit having to fight against myself we don't deserve this. 

What you dont know about me.

What people don't understand is i truly care like I swear people mistake my love for I wana fuck but sorry to take it there.
People don't understand that sometimes I feel like a boy yet I'm a man.
So lost in thought sometimes i shake from the pain people shake my brain or maybe it's the pain. Regardless people get hurt when I run away
People don't understand how hard it is to be a formerly incarcerated gay man. Everyday is a testimony to who I am I have to be seen but also just to be who i am even though I'm still a man they see me as less than
What people don't understand is I go ham but each day is full of pain my health took a turn do to my mistakes
What people don't understand is I never will give up I'll keep trying to change till I die I won't duck ill take the punch. I love unconditionally that's my fatal flaw I'm a little to honest you can say I'm raw like some sushi I'm tasty you know wassup

Dear me's

Dam it's been a  crazy road.
I'm sure you already know though.
Remember when you never thought you would be loved or dig yourself up. Well that all happened. See I fell love got engaged and all. Dam that shit was a hard wake up call. See we fell alright into a pit we both didn't know how to love ourselves that was it.  A daily cocktail of talking shit. I fell into a dark pit lost myself then found out that I need to love me to love someone else.

Dear future me
See here's the thing you really enlightened me I didn't know if I'd actually be seen or heard this all seems a little obscured see I didn't think I can make it my whole body shaken. I didn't think I'd ever be able to love man I'm still just figuring out who I am. I really felt like this lifes a scam but man. You truly inspire me to know that I'll be thriving truly enlightens me. So thank you for never giving up on me you truly are a king.

Dear king
See here's the thing I never truly had faith in me at least not fully not just yet but dam I see you. You really turned into your best. I always wondered what's next you really achieved all your dreams please though don't loose site of who you could truly be I know this fame and wealth got you filled with doubts see we all have problems money can't solve I guess I'm just figuring this out without a doubt though you made it. I like the way your house looks it got me shaken. You never did stop smoking but now your pool side owning who you are you no longer hide behind the fears or the scars I can only imagine how hard it was see I'm facing this now without a doubt the work I'm putting in helped me learn to figure shit out. I can see this now. All this hard work gotta me screaming out loud but I can see the end result and it's all worth it to me now. The smiling faces designer laces good food and smiling face a big ass house a statement that we made it.

Why you bugging me?

So much shits on my mind it feels like I'm in a tornado half the time I get the money I grind
I shine he shines we all shine but when will I get mine
I feel sad today
Today I feel okay
My minds filled with so much shit today
My stomach hurts im in pain
I feel like shit
Like I'm dying today
I try and love but these men seem to strip my love away
No not today
My insides are hurting I don't really wana play games
They say I have some insane ways I'm just overwhelming loving but I thought that would be okay.
I guess I just can't take on other people's pain.
Tugging me let other people start running me just so I could people please but they ain't they're anyways they been distant the minute I didn't shift to fit their description.
Listen gotta really dig in these people fumble constantly when I'm trying to win.
See a lot is bugging me my bodies screaming please treat me like the king you know you are. My mind is pushing forward but still trying to figure out to heal from emotional scars. But heart hurts it wants to love but started to raise its bars. I mean we went through the black plague and still went hard trying to live large. Can you feel it this some real shit what's bugging me is the fact that my community is so broken they rather take dick over love. Maybe a few health relationships to look up too but it's simply not enough. See my future my past and the times that I didn't give a fuck still tug and bug like some ancient flies that don't realize their bugs. How fun see the problem is that I'm bugged from the internal shit and from what comes from above. How fun all low energy and shit see my bodies been talking shit but I answered it the best I know how at least but in order to defeat the inner pain I gotta dig deep.  Be boogie a bit talk is cheap I wana reap the benefits the system did on my life but sometimes I feel like I'm cursed to not live life. Just fight but why I gotta fight to live why my people gotta survive and give in win

It's all okay papas did you forget your a thug at some point didn't know how to love thought you belong dead but believed in what's above. How dumb to be bugged by such mediocre problems do you not remember being homeless broken and on drugs how money to show your body love and if you did you'd use it on drugs. You got quality problems now I mean your an adult you might still feel sixteen but that shit isn't your fault it is your job to change the dynamic I know some people should get beat up for calling you fagget but what would that solve what it help you feel tall hell naw that ain't you. Whatever bugging you got you acting like a fool shit ain't cool your better than all that I mean you helped people through instilled life into motherfuckers acting like fools you share your love with the world but you need to just share it with you. See what's bugging you is an easy solve kind of like those pills you take that dissolved pain solved but it takes work and effort like a doctors appointment you need to put in the footwork dig deep cuz what seems weird to you might not be weird to me. I'm rite their with you between the sheets I'm your inner strength I'm your inner being you've done been in hell and said ow well ima find a way out and with one shift your whole world changed now its time to stop letting shit bug you and hide the pain away. Your worth more papi you got this your a real quick and Whatever you want you got it.

As I sit here

As I sit here wondering why the fuck my legs wrapped up being shocked and what not
I can't help but find gratitude in the fact that I get to do something about this shit.
See I've always strived to be rich but forgot how to live
see real wealth is something that comes from within.
I was so focused on the reasons why they said being me was a sin instead of accepting but not letting it damage me within ya dig. See this life I live was constructed by the idea that I was meant to fit in to win but that's so dam far from the truth. See life comes in waves but sometimes people stay stuck in loop. I was once their I was so fucking confused I always wondered why I was set up to loose. Confused. Broken and used but I didn't realize it was me acting the fool just to fit in and be cool. Destroyed my body for another person's hobby. I don't even like those drugs they make me feel naughty. I understand you get me but do you got me. Deeply shaken I'm rocking wonder why I don't got me. But I've been plotting and honestly each day I've learned that it's not them it's me. You see I was the one creating my own hell stuck in misery but the only thing they can tell was I was being a little mean for them so oh well. Goodbye for now let me have my Cow a little stuck in the ego way too proud. Smoke a little loud calm now still trying to figure out how I could tell myself something different. Like dam foo your really gifted. Your worlds shifted go ahead and accept that your winning. I'm starting to get him but I'm just barley hanging by a thread I feel like the more I make bread the more I feel dead still focused on something outside of myself so was said but I no longer dread the fact that I have a head my own personal heaven or my own personal death. No longer dreads stepping into success what was once broken is started to look its best. Well dressed and finessed. I told them regardless of the circumstances I will do my best to be my best. Dam he's well dressed but inside he dreads. The opinion of self beheads naw think less you digging a little to deep it must not be it because it's on repeat to me talk is cheap but I do a whole lot of it plotting and robbing and sometimes adding to my shit. But theirs a flip see the same thinking just changed a bit can help me get rich. Read a book instead of taking dick he feeds me. His energy but it ain't worth shit so fuck that shit. Look in the mirror ask who the fuck this is I don't need to fit in if I was meant to win ya dig. Life's to full of windy roads to not be filled with bliss. Gratitude in self no more it is what it is. Patience and clear conversations of what could be and what is. Slowly finding myself. It is what it is.

New years thoughts

Slowly progressing towards progression. They say in pain theirs lessons. I fought hard for these blessings no question. Blood dripping body sweating I found myself and slowly rose above the idea that the only life I'd live was one of a thug. I fell in love with the other side infatuatiated with fitting in. I guess I was giving in no wonder I could never win. This new year I could fill it I've digged for long enough to finally unveil the true me and I can truly see that regardless of the circumstances I have to remain true to me. Dig deeper the aches and pains of realizing that the only person I truly have is me got me so dam curious delirious in a way see I was focused more and his change more on his gain so much so that I lost my own way can you feel it ? 

Have you loved someone so deep that you had more love for them then you did for the me. Then when your stuck in pain everyone to says breath but your heart aches so much so that you cant even think straight  you can't see a future where it was you because it was always about him and never me. See I see the hurtles of life the pain and process the happiness and yes mofucker I got this but I can't just stop and smell the roses naw fuck that I've smelled them to long they got raw and see me I wana take off I want a future still stuck in my past though I don't really know how to row this boat but let's go see what the world has to offer and I'm off burning bridges and building new ones and what not see im learning and I'm earning to be the best me but to get there I gotta see the happiness and the pain the growth and I wana sees change some things dam humming bird breath just breath see you've done so much not giving a fuck corona didn't stop shit corona this corona what. What the fuck just happened can't stop im rampant I was tired of being alone I was tired of acting 17 when im 26 years old this shit gets old guess you wouldn't well maybe you would know fuck it lets hit the road loose control live a little I fell in love I had my window twice at that but I thought I was so untractive that I pushed back they gave me love it felt like an attack it was my ego see I say I'm see through but deep down inside I need you tk justify that I'm worth it was raised yo beleive I was worthless isn't that some obsurd shit om spilling my feelings and you wouldn't even know because the way I word things makes you think im in control don't get me wrong im learning swerving any dynamic the people in power try and feed me. See im learning to not only be me but see me. Seizing the moment isn't easy when they say  you shouldn't be breathing. Now you see me seizing it has you dry heaving I told them they never believed me I said if I live past 18 you will see me at the top popping bottles of the top. I said I won't stop until every limb falls of and still ill wobble along because whether is was will power or God om still here breathing that's testament enough to the work I put in the earn my seat can't you see. I'm speaking clearly enough I hope. My life was a statistic broken I was broke uneducated and hopeless grew up in a system who didn't notice how hoplese I really was instead they took the key threw it away and said it is what it was. How dumb 12 years young and treated like I was a felon and a plug. How fun but here I am successful and shit pulled a little power just to say I did 26 years old learning to live. Got a full life but still give in to the old tendencies the ow im the worth it let me leaves but I got people that helped me breath pass the mask and let me see that we all struggle why would I wana add the the rubble I don't watch when others fumble see why do I always depend on another women or man to justify who I am instead of just being me I am. I learned though you should know I've broke the curse I still fumble shit hurts but word I'm learning to be me besides all the pains and stings it hurts yeah but getting to these places is worth it that gushy obsurd shit it's all worth it. Let's make this New year worth it we deserve it happy new years