The boy with the shackles

It’s kind of crazy how life works.

First they diminished my worth until I started to question my hurt.

Thought I deserved every bit of change.

They broke me, things were never the same. 

I was never really myself but I felt as though I changed.

I slowly became the monster they wanted to be.

Blinded by my own pain, I managed to stay in my own way. 

I was a boy with shackles even when they took them away. 

I lost myself still figuring that out.

Why does it feel like they threw me out. 

I shout and scream. I beg for them to see.

But they constantly looked past until I couldn’t recognize myself.

But it’s my job now to caress my inner child.

As hard as it is, life is so wild. 

Learn to love myself, find me in the weeds.

Even when I feel blinded, I feel my way around until i can see.

I won’t allow society to shackle me anymore. 

Break these generational curses and now I’m worth more.

We fight, we struggle but we fail to recognize that we are blessings to this world by just living our lives.

So let’s continue to push forward until we win this fight give our next generation a better life. 

Dreams

Never thought I could dream. 

My childhood my life was ripped from me.

Taking my power back has been a life long journey.

Wondering thinking why society wants to hurt me.

Think, pray, ask to not take my dream away.

Guessing giving into that thought process was my first mistake.

Shaken to the core can’t get up off the floor.

A dream turned into a nightmare.

But I can’t give up I want more.

Little boys like me never really had the chance to dream.

Had to fight just to eat scripted schemes.

All in all I really lost myself.

Child in me screaming for help!

Dream for me is a chance to live.

Not giving in letting society win. 

I dream of a place, a day , an age where we all can be free 

Don’t judge others allow them to live free.

I want to be in a place where we can just be. 

I’m to white to be Mexican

I’m to white to be Mexican 

But 

Too brown to be white 

They always question what I am 

Pain hides behind my eyes 

I’m too white to be Mexican 

I’m too brown to be white 

So why is it so hard for me to fit in 

God knows I try 

Cant  claim a culture even though it’s mine

I’m too white to be Mexican 

I’m too brown to be white I guess I’ll create a culture One that’s only mineI may be to white to be Mexican or be to brown to be white But it doesn’t mean the blood inside me isn’t mine

Hood Gay

 Not used to this person I’ve become.

Still stuck on the past like a drug

Society still labels me a thug.

The outcast not the plug.

Sex prevents me from falling in love.

That app is like a drug.

They call me a hood gay.

The gay that doesn't play the lost boy who can’t seem to find his way.

Struggle inside and numb the pain away.

At one point I couldn’t even accept myself as gay.

Slowly held a grudge

 held onto pain instead of love. 

The days seemed to blend together.

Lost hope even though I thought I could storm any weather 

to me it’s whatever.

A little hood gay trying to make it out the hood.

I try hard wish I could just move past the fact that society deemed me less than a man 

I still can’t figure out who I am.

I’m not just the little hood gay. I’m more than grinder and poppers on a Tuesday.

Ego don’t bruise me 

Sometimes I feel like I’m always losing. 

Just being myself. 

Mind filled with insecurities and doubts 

can’t seem to figure this gay shit out.

But each day it’s worth it. 

We all deserve this.

This love shit. This dream shit this nice scenery shit 

preserve even when we aren’t seen 

Shit it’s kinda  crazy.

We still embrace ourselves daily even when society drives us crazy. 

My people are amazing.

I’m not just the hood gay. The Homeboy buffet. You probably couldn’t understand the pain. The beast inside I tame.

Colorful and full of life fuck acting rite.

Sip one for the homies that couldn’t make it tonight let’s inspire others by continuing to live our lives.

Toxic love

 Love it’s a crazy thing.

Sometimes I get lost and can’t seem to see.

Happiness seems to evade me constantly stuck in a past misery.

Moving forward but can’t seem to see this toxic love rite in front of me.

It took me time to find my way after every second after my heart breaks. 

Stuck on my mind, I can't find the time to distract myself enough.

You were different like a breath of fresh air.

But inside me my trauma did not care.

It pushed and tugged.

Until you were done.

Now inside I feel so wrong.

This toxic love for me drunk asf stumbling through life as though I don’t give a fuck.

I thought I found you.

You were the one.

But I guess a thug was never meant to find love.

I’m toxic and robbed him of his inner peace.

Sometimes pain doesn’t allow me to see.

Can’t seem to breathe.

I miss your touch.

For you I may not give a fuck.

I guess I’m stuck on this toxic love .

Get me high and be my drug.

I’m not used to usually being in denial

I’m not used to usually being in denial. 

See some shit in life is wild. 

Still treat me like a child.

I’ve had this tendency to hurt and push away the people that love me. 

I am pretty but I sure know how to tap into the ugly.

Found myself doing it everyone happiness seems to creep into my life.

Like naw fuck that some shit ain’t rite.

Fighting the fact that I’m great.

They see my greatness 

But I seem to ignore it everyday.

Like heyy hey you wake the fuck up. 

You didn’t survive a heal of a life on just look.

You didn’t get respect from you looks some people actually know how to see the heart.

But I tend to reply to I’m scared that this life is hard I left my trauma in charge along time ago. 

Either you see me as the mean guy or the hoe.

But there is so much more the pain was talking depleting barley walking.

Trying to understand but it’s shocking.

I rob him the person staring in the mirror ofcourse I’m a chipmunk claiming a horse naw maybe even a lion.

But my teeth grinding at the thought that I might just end up alone again. Like how can I be the man if I am the man I am because this person be hurting I’m trying to flourish but I’m barley floating on the idea that I actually deserve shit because most people told me 18 was my expiration date. Slowly learning how to embrace fate I’m too impatient to

Wait for things to change. Holding onto to ghost whom I barley know the name. Hummingbird don’t have know aime but let me tell you something I sure ain’t missing I’ll explore my imagination as I keep inching embrace the mistakes but learn from the lessons. Soon you’ll see me rise. I’m telling you I am mental for

The sky’s I’m so tired of hiding and denying the king inside my mind I guess I gotta cut ties from the trauma inside. 

I can't stand it anymore

I sit back and watch as my loved ones are tormented by their own demons well trying to tackle my own I reach my hand out hoping we can ride the waves of this never ending ocean called life but I can’t help but wonder if my drive my ambition and dedication to a better life is enough for us all I sit back and watch the cycle I FaceTime my mom and can’t help but get wild as I stare

At the bruises on her neck. I try and remind her that she’s beautiful that she’s worth it but only she can make herself believe it. I hold the weight of my family even as I’m dragged down by my own fears and insecurities. I remind myself I’m not just doing it for me but for my family. I have this deep anger that I hide so well because I know if I explode the system will expel me to the dungeons I once called home to those dark cells where the only thing that I can hold onto is hope so I stuff it hold it in even as people trample my feelings and spit in my face I hold it in them not knowing how deep my pain goes only seeing the outside reflection I created to deflect. But how can I look at myself in the mirror as I dance the night away drinking to get rid of my insecurities finding myself only diving deeper into the abyss. I’m not at peice when I rubb shit off like a drunk man that hits me in the face I stand their knowing if I let the beast out I might not see the light of day again I might just see those jail cells again. I take a deep breath and brush it off my thoughts running rampant wondering what would’ve happened if I attacked him. But I simply can’t my purpose is greater than that so I walk away. Each day trying to find purpose in the pain the weight gets heavy can’t seem to get out of bed on time my eyes are heavy after three missed alarms wake up cussing at nothing put on my inspirational music and trudge along but is that really moving on. I want better I crave it but what does better look like for a little hood boy trying to make it. Google my name just to get inspired but still I hit those wires shocked by society and the people whom I try and show love it’s never really reciprocated but that’s okay it’s just another day I say inside I’m hoping one day I’ll find my way but for today I hold onto my strength find gratitude and have faith that even though I carry this weight soon I’ll be strong enough to move past the pain. A little hood boy that made it a broken statistic that has decision makers shaken. 

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