Hood Gay

 Not used to this person I’ve become.

Still stuck on the past like a drug

Society still labels me a thug.

The outcast not the plug.

Sex prevents me from falling in love.

That app is like a drug.

They call me a hood gay.

The gay that doesn't play the lost boy who can’t seem to find his way.

Struggle inside and numb the pain away.

At one point I couldn’t even accept myself as gay.

Slowly held a grudge

 held onto pain instead of love. 

The days seemed to blend together.

Lost hope even though I thought I could storm any weather 

to me it’s whatever.

A little hood gay trying to make it out the hood.

I try hard wish I could just move past the fact that society deemed me less than a man 

I still can’t figure out who I am.

I’m not just the little hood gay. I’m more than grinder and poppers on a Tuesday.

Ego don’t bruise me 

Sometimes I feel like I’m always losing. 

Just being myself. 

Mind filled with insecurities and doubts 

can’t seem to figure this gay shit out.

But each day it’s worth it. 

We all deserve this.

This love shit. This dream shit this nice scenery shit 

preserve even when we aren’t seen 

Shit it’s kinda  crazy.

We still embrace ourselves daily even when society drives us crazy. 

My people are amazing.

I’m not just the hood gay. The Homeboy buffet. You probably couldn’t understand the pain. The beast inside I tame.

Colorful and full of life fuck acting rite.

Sip one for the homies that couldn’t make it tonight let’s inspire others by continuing to live our lives.

Toxic love

 Love it’s a crazy thing.

Sometimes I get lost and can’t seem to see.

Happiness seems to evade me constantly stuck in a past misery.

Moving forward but can’t seem to see this toxic love rite in front of me.

It took me time to find my way after every second after my heart breaks. 

Stuck on my mind, I can't find the time to distract myself enough.

You were different like a breath of fresh air.

But inside me my trauma did not care.

It pushed and tugged.

Until you were done.

Now inside I feel so wrong.

This toxic love for me drunk asf stumbling through life as though I don’t give a fuck.

I thought I found you.

You were the one.

But I guess a thug was never meant to find love.

I’m toxic and robbed him of his inner peace.

Sometimes pain doesn’t allow me to see.

Can’t seem to breathe.

I miss your touch.

For you I may not give a fuck.

I guess I’m stuck on this toxic love .

Get me high and be my drug.

I’m not used to usually being in denial

I’m not used to usually being in denial. 

See some shit in life is wild. 

Still treat me like a child.

I’ve had this tendency to hurt and push away the people that love me. 

I am pretty but I sure know how to tap into the ugly.

Found myself doing it everyone happiness seems to creep into my life.

Like naw fuck that some shit ain’t rite.

Fighting the fact that I’m great.

They see my greatness 

But I seem to ignore it everyday.

Like heyy hey you wake the fuck up. 

You didn’t survive a heal of a life on just look.

You didn’t get respect from you looks some people actually know how to see the heart.

But I tend to reply to I’m scared that this life is hard I left my trauma in charge along time ago. 

Either you see me as the mean guy or the hoe.

But there is so much more the pain was talking depleting barley walking.

Trying to understand but it’s shocking.

I rob him the person staring in the mirror ofcourse I’m a chipmunk claiming a horse naw maybe even a lion.

But my teeth grinding at the thought that I might just end up alone again. Like how can I be the man if I am the man I am because this person be hurting I’m trying to flourish but I’m barley floating on the idea that I actually deserve shit because most people told me 18 was my expiration date. Slowly learning how to embrace fate I’m too impatient to

Wait for things to change. Holding onto to ghost whom I barley know the name. Hummingbird don’t have know aime but let me tell you something I sure ain’t missing I’ll explore my imagination as I keep inching embrace the mistakes but learn from the lessons. Soon you’ll see me rise. I’m telling you I am mental for

The sky’s I’m so tired of hiding and denying the king inside my mind I guess I gotta cut ties from the trauma inside. 

I can't stand it anymore

I sit back and watch as my loved ones are tormented by their own demons well trying to tackle my own I reach my hand out hoping we can ride the waves of this never ending ocean called life but I can’t help but wonder if my drive my ambition and dedication to a better life is enough for us all I sit back and watch the cycle I FaceTime my mom and can’t help but get wild as I stare

At the bruises on her neck. I try and remind her that she’s beautiful that she’s worth it but only she can make herself believe it. I hold the weight of my family even as I’m dragged down by my own fears and insecurities. I remind myself I’m not just doing it for me but for my family. I have this deep anger that I hide so well because I know if I explode the system will expel me to the dungeons I once called home to those dark cells where the only thing that I can hold onto is hope so I stuff it hold it in even as people trample my feelings and spit in my face I hold it in them not knowing how deep my pain goes only seeing the outside reflection I created to deflect. But how can I look at myself in the mirror as I dance the night away drinking to get rid of my insecurities finding myself only diving deeper into the abyss. I’m not at peice when I rubb shit off like a drunk man that hits me in the face I stand their knowing if I let the beast out I might not see the light of day again I might just see those jail cells again. I take a deep breath and brush it off my thoughts running rampant wondering what would’ve happened if I attacked him. But I simply can’t my purpose is greater than that so I walk away. Each day trying to find purpose in the pain the weight gets heavy can’t seem to get out of bed on time my eyes are heavy after three missed alarms wake up cussing at nothing put on my inspirational music and trudge along but is that really moving on. I want better I crave it but what does better look like for a little hood boy trying to make it. Google my name just to get inspired but still I hit those wires shocked by society and the people whom I try and show love it’s never really reciprocated but that’s okay it’s just another day I say inside I’m hoping one day I’ll find my way but for today I hold onto my strength find gratitude and have faith that even though I carry this weight soon I’ll be strong enough to move past the pain. A little hood boy that made it a broken statistic that has decision makers shaken. 

--

I've found myself in a deep depression

I’ve found myself in a deep depression these past few days.

See I’m always the one they’re for everyone else but when I’m mixed up inside and filled with doubts it’s as though I can’t depend on anyone else so lost in my own thoughts. 

Sometimes I can’t stop thinking negatively find myself sorting through painful memories

Can’t seem to hang on or see the light in things. I’m lost yeah maybe even a little weird but do I really deserve to be alone on this journey was it self inflicted did I push everyone away because of my own traumas. 

Questions I contemplate I can’t imagine why fate would fill my life with so much pain and hate. But I push forward because that’s what I’m told to do. Act confused, stupid, a fool I’m tired of the same cycle but I have no one to show me what to do. It’s like the same shit repeats but I’m still confused. Trying to dissect another person behavior and make it my own. Like I’m not a king because they choose to ignore my thrown. Like I’m not beautiful because they say I’m ugly I mean maybe I am but truth is I also know there’s beauty inside not just in me or my mind. Things have been all over the place lately quick smoking daily but sometimes I feel like relapsing because these feelings are overwhelming and just not amazing. That’s life rite. I mean I’m so confused one minute I think my life is cool the next I’m filled with tears and drool. This

Isn’t a cry for help

Please don’t try and dissect I’m just writing this down to vent I realize that achieving greatness and success is a lonely journey but why do I love so much just for people to hurt me. Trying to understand where I went wrong feeling like I’m caught in a sirens song. So hard to stay strong when I can’t even move on it’s like this loneliness is on repeat. But what do I do. Be honest do you feel this way too . Is this gods funny way of saying you need to see the truth. Yeah I have my beauty and my ugly too skin so soft yet flawed with scars to reminisce about a touch that really didn’t mean much. Try and validate myself through other peoples love. Each moment pulls me deeper into the torment the happy moments kind of slimmed downed I feel as though life and worn down my crown. God please help me see the way or take me now. I don’t wanna live with these dull moments but my mind stills tells me to stay focused I push to be filled with hope yet at times I feel hopeless always said I’d push to give the world unconditional love but how can I do that when at times I feel I’m the broken one . I think to myself I need help picking up the pieces but I got no one to call this evening. 

Loneliness

Loneliness is like a broken bliss. 

Found myself in the same cycle shit.

Got so used to the loneliness that it seems I started to create it.

It's like my own little hell inflicted by me like society inflicts jail.

Decided to put myself in the cell.

Claimed I didn't care and it was ow well.

But it's days like today that remind me of those past lonely days.

The ones my toxicity create.

But it's okay we all heal and grow.

Sometimes Lonliness helps you grow.

Embrace a peice of myself I didn't know.

Sometimes it's okay to loose control.

Sometimes it's okay to be only.

But this loneliness gets old.

Break past habits and take control.

Find myself ever so slow.

Sometimes it's okay to be alone.

But lately the loneliness gets old.

Thanksgiving at Mom's

Thanksgiving, Holidays, Family all crazy words in my opinion.

But within that crazy is a love unmatched a loyalty unheard and a pain so deep one may never get the opportunity to heal. Life is full of winding roads and gusts of confusion that always seem to blow at the wrong time. Holidays at some point were a light untouched.

It was a ceremony to celebrate.

Rooms filled with smiling faces and smells of home-cooked dishes.

It's a bliss that I miss honestly.

I dont know how things came to be the way they are. It went from that to my family can't even sit together and eat.

All of us angry and can't see.

I wish for a day again were we can all be at peace.

Sometimes I'm scared it will never be the same. I guess the scares just run to deep.

Holidays were sacred but now I leave broken and shaken. Asking God to please change this but it's an internal struggle that needs to change its all over the place I guess. I pray one day we can all sit together in peace instead of puffing out our chest but I guess for now this is what I get. But I can't help but dream and reminise see I like to see the best in life even when I struggle and fight. I sometimes live in the moment actually most times. I lived for too long in a miserable world stuck in time. But this time I can see the brighter times I choose to see the joy in life even when it hurts why change who I am because others see love as obsurd. Grateful to see the light this time even if others are blind. Grateful for the the happy and the painful times.