I can't stand it anymore

I sit back and watch as my loved ones are tormented by their own demons well trying to tackle my own I reach my hand out hoping we can ride the waves of this never ending ocean called life but I can’t help but wonder if my drive my ambition and dedication to a better life is enough for us all I sit back and watch the cycle I FaceTime my mom and can’t help but get wild as I stare

At the bruises on her neck. I try and remind her that she’s beautiful that she’s worth it but only she can make herself believe it. I hold the weight of my family even as I’m dragged down by my own fears and insecurities. I remind myself I’m not just doing it for me but for my family. I have this deep anger that I hide so well because I know if I explode the system will expel me to the dungeons I once called home to those dark cells where the only thing that I can hold onto is hope so I stuff it hold it in even as people trample my feelings and spit in my face I hold it in them not knowing how deep my pain goes only seeing the outside reflection I created to deflect. But how can I look at myself in the mirror as I dance the night away drinking to get rid of my insecurities finding myself only diving deeper into the abyss. I’m not at peice when I rubb shit off like a drunk man that hits me in the face I stand their knowing if I let the beast out I might not see the light of day again I might just see those jail cells again. I take a deep breath and brush it off my thoughts running rampant wondering what would’ve happened if I attacked him. But I simply can’t my purpose is greater than that so I walk away. Each day trying to find purpose in the pain the weight gets heavy can’t seem to get out of bed on time my eyes are heavy after three missed alarms wake up cussing at nothing put on my inspirational music and trudge along but is that really moving on. I want better I crave it but what does better look like for a little hood boy trying to make it. Google my name just to get inspired but still I hit those wires shocked by society and the people whom I try and show love it’s never really reciprocated but that’s okay it’s just another day I say inside I’m hoping one day I’ll find my way but for today I hold onto my strength find gratitude and have faith that even though I carry this weight soon I’ll be strong enough to move past the pain. A little hood boy that made it a broken statistic that has decision makers shaken. 

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I've found myself in a deep depression

I’ve found myself in a deep depression these past few days.

See I’m always the one they’re for everyone else but when I’m mixed up inside and filled with doubts it’s as though I can’t depend on anyone else so lost in my own thoughts. 

Sometimes I can’t stop thinking negatively find myself sorting through painful memories

Can’t seem to hang on or see the light in things. I’m lost yeah maybe even a little weird but do I really deserve to be alone on this journey was it self inflicted did I push everyone away because of my own traumas. 

Questions I contemplate I can’t imagine why fate would fill my life with so much pain and hate. But I push forward because that’s what I’m told to do. Act confused, stupid, a fool I’m tired of the same cycle but I have no one to show me what to do. It’s like the same shit repeats but I’m still confused. Trying to dissect another person behavior and make it my own. Like I’m not a king because they choose to ignore my thrown. Like I’m not beautiful because they say I’m ugly I mean maybe I am but truth is I also know there’s beauty inside not just in me or my mind. Things have been all over the place lately quick smoking daily but sometimes I feel like relapsing because these feelings are overwhelming and just not amazing. That’s life rite. I mean I’m so confused one minute I think my life is cool the next I’m filled with tears and drool. This

Isn’t a cry for help

Please don’t try and dissect I’m just writing this down to vent I realize that achieving greatness and success is a lonely journey but why do I love so much just for people to hurt me. Trying to understand where I went wrong feeling like I’m caught in a sirens song. So hard to stay strong when I can’t even move on it’s like this loneliness is on repeat. But what do I do. Be honest do you feel this way too . Is this gods funny way of saying you need to see the truth. Yeah I have my beauty and my ugly too skin so soft yet flawed with scars to reminisce about a touch that really didn’t mean much. Try and validate myself through other peoples love. Each moment pulls me deeper into the torment the happy moments kind of slimmed downed I feel as though life and worn down my crown. God please help me see the way or take me now. I don’t wanna live with these dull moments but my mind stills tells me to stay focused I push to be filled with hope yet at times I feel hopeless always said I’d push to give the world unconditional love but how can I do that when at times I feel I’m the broken one . I think to myself I need help picking up the pieces but I got no one to call this evening.