As I sit here

As I sit here wondering why the fuck my legs wrapped up being shocked and what not
I can't help but find gratitude in the fact that I get to do something about this shit.
See I've always strived to be rich but forgot how to live
see real wealth is something that comes from within.
I was so focused on the reasons why they said being me was a sin instead of accepting but not letting it damage me within ya dig. See this life I live was constructed by the idea that I was meant to fit in to win but that's so dam far from the truth. See life comes in waves but sometimes people stay stuck in loop. I was once their I was so fucking confused I always wondered why I was set up to loose. Confused. Broken and used but I didn't realize it was me acting the fool just to fit in and be cool. Destroyed my body for another person's hobby. I don't even like those drugs they make me feel naughty. I understand you get me but do you got me. Deeply shaken I'm rocking wonder why I don't got me. But I've been plotting and honestly each day I've learned that it's not them it's me. You see I was the one creating my own hell stuck in misery but the only thing they can tell was I was being a little mean for them so oh well. Goodbye for now let me have my Cow a little stuck in the ego way too proud. Smoke a little loud calm now still trying to figure out how I could tell myself something different. Like dam foo your really gifted. Your worlds shifted go ahead and accept that your winning. I'm starting to get him but I'm just barley hanging by a thread I feel like the more I make bread the more I feel dead still focused on something outside of myself so was said but I no longer dread the fact that I have a head my own personal heaven or my own personal death. No longer dreads stepping into success what was once broken is started to look its best. Well dressed and finessed. I told them regardless of the circumstances I will do my best to be my best. Dam he's well dressed but inside he dreads. The opinion of self beheads naw think less you digging a little to deep it must not be it because it's on repeat to me talk is cheap but I do a whole lot of it plotting and robbing and sometimes adding to my shit. But theirs a flip see the same thinking just changed a bit can help me get rich. Read a book instead of taking dick he feeds me. His energy but it ain't worth shit so fuck that shit. Look in the mirror ask who the fuck this is I don't need to fit in if I was meant to win ya dig. Life's to full of windy roads to not be filled with bliss. Gratitude in self no more it is what it is. Patience and clear conversations of what could be and what is. Slowly finding myself. It is what it is.

New years thoughts

Slowly progressing towards progression. They say in pain theirs lessons. I fought hard for these blessings no question. Blood dripping body sweating I found myself and slowly rose above the idea that the only life I'd live was one of a thug. I fell in love with the other side infatuatiated with fitting in. I guess I was giving in no wonder I could never win. This new year I could fill it I've digged for long enough to finally unveil the true me and I can truly see that regardless of the circumstances I have to remain true to me. Dig deeper the aches and pains of realizing that the only person I truly have is me got me so dam curious delirious in a way see I was focused more and his change more on his gain so much so that I lost my own way can you feel it ? 

Have you loved someone so deep that you had more love for them then you did for the me. Then when your stuck in pain everyone to says breath but your heart aches so much so that you cant even think straight  you can't see a future where it was you because it was always about him and never me. See I see the hurtles of life the pain and process the happiness and yes mofucker I got this but I can't just stop and smell the roses naw fuck that I've smelled them to long they got raw and see me I wana take off I want a future still stuck in my past though I don't really know how to row this boat but let's go see what the world has to offer and I'm off burning bridges and building new ones and what not see im learning and I'm earning to be the best me but to get there I gotta see the happiness and the pain the growth and I wana sees change some things dam humming bird breath just breath see you've done so much not giving a fuck corona didn't stop shit corona this corona what. What the fuck just happened can't stop im rampant I was tired of being alone I was tired of acting 17 when im 26 years old this shit gets old guess you wouldn't well maybe you would know fuck it lets hit the road loose control live a little I fell in love I had my window twice at that but I thought I was so untractive that I pushed back they gave me love it felt like an attack it was my ego see I say I'm see through but deep down inside I need you tk justify that I'm worth it was raised yo beleive I was worthless isn't that some obsurd shit om spilling my feelings and you wouldn't even know because the way I word things makes you think im in control don't get me wrong im learning swerving any dynamic the people in power try and feed me. See im learning to not only be me but see me. Seizing the moment isn't easy when they say  you shouldn't be breathing. Now you see me seizing it has you dry heaving I told them they never believed me I said if I live past 18 you will see me at the top popping bottles of the top. I said I won't stop until every limb falls of and still ill wobble along because whether is was will power or God om still here breathing that's testament enough to the work I put in the earn my seat can't you see. I'm speaking clearly enough I hope. My life was a statistic broken I was broke uneducated and hopeless grew up in a system who didn't notice how hoplese I really was instead they took the key threw it away and said it is what it was. How dumb 12 years young and treated like I was a felon and a plug. How fun but here I am successful and shit pulled a little power just to say I did 26 years old learning to live. Got a full life but still give in to the old tendencies the ow im the worth it let me leaves but I got people that helped me breath pass the mask and let me see that we all struggle why would I wana add the the rubble I don't watch when others fumble see why do I always depend on another women or man to justify who I am instead of just being me I am. I learned though you should know I've broke the curse I still fumble shit hurts but word I'm learning to be me besides all the pains and stings it hurts yeah but getting to these places is worth it that gushy obsurd shit it's all worth it. Let's make this New year worth it we deserve it happy new years