Greif and Hope

I see my grief in the faces of others as I see my cousin and realize it's not him and he's no longer here. I feel my grief when the emptiness takes control and I reminisce about all the friends and all the habits as the tape replays over and over of my moms painful to look at sunken cheeks. My dads fist remind me of a hell I never want to go back to and as I travel through a city that holds the shadows of my past I cant help but feel the emptiness that pain. Grief is standing in the projects staring around at the ghost that once were friends the pale colored building with the bold numbers once called home as it stands alone in my heart of hearts. Grief is staring at the post that scroll by as my fingers move and wondering why there was so much loss in my life. It's a DM from an old friend stuck in the grips of a demon I used to dance with, it's the memories that float by as I hear the tune of an old song that my friends would Bob there different colored hats to in an old bucket called a car, it's the scars embedded in my face reminding me of the pieces of metal that once held there place. Greif for me is all the painful images that remind me of why I changed. But here I am drenched in tears hysterically laughing at the fact that I'm here and I'm alive after all the stab wounds ,over doses ,beatings, and bullets here I am no longer feeling the guilt of surviving, no longer spending weeks comatose in a bed of guilt I'm here 5years later than an expiration date I gave myself no longer drowning in the sadness of being here. I see a light as family and friends filled a once empty and lonely place and addiction is the one common thing that caused even the people that lift me up sorrow as well . I was always trying to become a better person not knowing I was that person already because the guilt of not loving myself ate me alive. I no longer have to try because I do. The once empty place is filled and the one thing that got me through was the hope of being born anew shedding the fears of a painful past and a lack of acceptance for myself a Phoenix is what I call myself.