I've found myself in a deep depression

I’ve found myself in a deep depression these past few days.

See I’m always the one they’re for everyone else but when I’m mixed up inside and filled with doubts it’s as though I can’t depend on anyone else so lost in my own thoughts. 

Sometimes I can’t stop thinking negatively find myself sorting through painful memories

Can’t seem to hang on or see the light in things. I’m lost yeah maybe even a little weird but do I really deserve to be alone on this journey was it self inflicted did I push everyone away because of my own traumas. 

Questions I contemplate I can’t imagine why fate would fill my life with so much pain and hate. But I push forward because that’s what I’m told to do. Act confused, stupid, a fool I’m tired of the same cycle but I have no one to show me what to do. It’s like the same shit repeats but I’m still confused. Trying to dissect another person behavior and make it my own. Like I’m not a king because they choose to ignore my thrown. Like I’m not beautiful because they say I’m ugly I mean maybe I am but truth is I also know there’s beauty inside not just in me or my mind. Things have been all over the place lately quick smoking daily but sometimes I feel like relapsing because these feelings are overwhelming and just not amazing. That’s life rite. I mean I’m so confused one minute I think my life is cool the next I’m filled with tears and drool. This

Isn’t a cry for help

Please don’t try and dissect I’m just writing this down to vent I realize that achieving greatness and success is a lonely journey but why do I love so much just for people to hurt me. Trying to understand where I went wrong feeling like I’m caught in a sirens song. So hard to stay strong when I can’t even move on it’s like this loneliness is on repeat. But what do I do. Be honest do you feel this way too . Is this gods funny way of saying you need to see the truth. Yeah I have my beauty and my ugly too skin so soft yet flawed with scars to reminisce about a touch that really didn’t mean much. Try and validate myself through other peoples love. Each moment pulls me deeper into the torment the happy moments kind of slimmed downed I feel as though life and worn down my crown. God please help me see the way or take me now. I don’t wanna live with these dull moments but my mind stills tells me to stay focused I push to be filled with hope yet at times I feel hopeless always said I’d push to give the world unconditional love but how can I do that when at times I feel I’m the broken one . I think to myself I need help picking up the pieces but I got no one to call this evening.