Although

Although it feels as though I want to give up
I keep pushing no matter what
Although life seems hard as fuck
I know I got this I'm a boss
Although it seems the world is crumbling before my eyes
Through all the pain I will continue to strive
Life has a funny way of revealing itself
Although I'm ow so full of doubts
I know blessings are soon to come
As long I dont succumb to my fear and pride
We got this !

Greif and Hope

I see my grief in the faces of others as I see my cousin and realize it's not him and he's no longer here. I feel my grief when the emptiness takes control and I reminisce about all the friends and all the habits as the tape replays over and over of my moms painful to look at sunken cheeks. My dads fist remind me of a hell I never want to go back to and as I travel through a city that holds the shadows of my past I cant help but feel the emptiness that pain. Grief is standing in the projects staring around at the ghost that once were friends the pale colored building with the bold numbers once called home as it stands alone in my heart of hearts. Grief is staring at the post that scroll by as my fingers move and wondering why there was so much loss in my life. It's a DM from an old friend stuck in the grips of a demon I used to dance with, it's the memories that float by as I hear the tune of an old song that my friends would Bob there different colored hats to in an old bucket called a car, it's the scars embedded in my face reminding me of the pieces of metal that once held there place. Greif for me is all the painful images that remind me of why I changed. But here I am drenched in tears hysterically laughing at the fact that I'm here and I'm alive after all the stab wounds ,over doses ,beatings, and bullets here I am no longer feeling the guilt of surviving, no longer spending weeks comatose in a bed of guilt I'm here 5years later than an expiration date I gave myself no longer drowning in the sadness of being here. I see a light as family and friends filled a once empty and lonely place and addiction is the one common thing that caused even the people that lift me up sorrow as well . I was always trying to become a better person not knowing I was that person already because the guilt of not loving myself ate me alive. I no longer have to try because I do. The once empty place is filled and the one thing that got me through was the hope of being born anew shedding the fears of a painful past and a lack of acceptance for myself a Phoenix is what I call myself.

Gratitude !

I was tired of being sick and tired I guess that's how that saying goes? But really for so long I was living in darkness a never ending void of terror and pain and hatred not hatred for the people that locked me in a cage or the parents that fed me lies and beatings but for the person that harmed me the most "myself". I was tired of feeding myself those same lies that every dam person tried to force down my throat to my very soul but here I was gagging up vulgar comments and attitude. As I self sabotaged the few lights that dimmed the darkness in my soul said I was worth so much more. I was tired of amputating the very love I conjured even though I clang onto it until the very last piece was severed from my existence and the very people I loved were contemplating my existence well I sat drenched in tears wondering why and being sick and tired of being sick and tired. As each stitch freshly woven into the flesh of my heart was plucked free by my very own hands another was made by the people who sought the true me and saw past the very darkness inside my soul that usually ate anyone alive including myself. Thus finally the once rooted pain, the once rooted anguish, and self hatred started to lift and those same people who saw hope who saw a person instead of a monster were planted with every O.D ,coma, stab wood ,or beating I started to see true hope and inspiration in this all too commonly told street story of mine. I had breath in my body and with just that  a universe called gratitude imploded within me  and the very  essence of being alive was something to be grateful for all in itself along with freedom not only of my body and my mind but of my very once shattered soul in which the duck tape of forgiveness and acceptance sealed the pieces back together each day I remind myself that I was saved time and time again from myself and the world and that for me is what gratitude is. Having the ability to understand that we were chosen to live amongst untold numbers of others our very life is the light that once gave me hope and helped me find gratitude when I was on death row of my own free will.

What place are you in today!

I'm in a place a dark yet vibrant place one where my past is colliding with the present where I'm finding forgiveness and acceptance I'm lost but finding my way so much yet so little is going on its funny I've spent more years in than out but it doesn't seem wrong I'm coming to terms with who I am and what I did wrong my life is so full and I feel so strong but frail and weak and barley hanging on but my time is now the streets the hood the gang the past cant claim me now I'm mofucking proud to be who I am now I went from a abandoned houses and stolen electricity to paying my own bills now although I'm lost I feel more found now ready to take on the world because it's my playground now !